Joe Biden vs. Party Balloon

OPINION:

The most powerful military ever assembled by humans was thwarted this week. By a balloon.

Specifically, a large spy balloon dispatched by the Chinese Communist Party. A Chinese Communist Party balloon — hereafter known as the “Party balloon.”

It will forever be remembered as the Party balloon that defeated President Joe Biden. And the greatest military in the history of human civilization.

The country that stood steel-spined through D-Day, the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Cold War folded like a cheap suit under the threat of a Party balloon made in China. No wonder Mr. Biden’s military leaders would rather fight battles over pronouns, “white rage,” and gender studies.

Thwarted by a Party balloon.

Remember that time Democrats tried forcing Hillary Clinton on us? And when she came out on stage at the Democrat convention, they released all those colorful party balloons? 

She was mesmerized. 

Her mouth fell slack open, and she looked skyward at all the pretty balloons as they floated down. She knocked a few and caught one or two. She gazed and marveled.

Beside her, former President Bill Clinton was reminded of the time he was on hand in Lima, Peru, after they dug up that mummy named “Juanita.”

“I sure would like to date those balloons,” Mr. Clinton thought to himself as the big, bouncy orbs drifted down all around him and his wife on the big stage. One sour look from his wife and Mr. Clinton snapped out of his dirty thoughts and tried having presidential thoughts.

Mrs. Clinton would, of course, go on to make history as the only former First Lady to lose the presidency — twice. Whoever said sleeping your way to the top would be easy!

But at least Mrs. Clinton was not afraid of party balloons. She was delighted by them. She manhandled them. She punched them. She no doubt popped a few.

Not so Joe Biden! The great slayer of Corn Pop, the Civil Rights prisoner, and the muscle car speedster turned out to be no match for the Chinese Communist Party balloon.

Come to find out, Mr. Biden is all car and no muscle. Not to mention a coward and a liar. And a corrupt money-grubber who, as vice president, ferried his drug-addled, hooker-hopping son on Air Force 2 to China to drum up business for the Biden family with the Chinese Communists.

Watching China’s Party balloon drift slowly across America entirely unmolested by the greatest military ever assembled by man was as puzzling as it was humiliating. All you could think was, “Well, whatever the Chinese Communists paid the Biden family, they sure got their money’s worth.”

Sixty thousand feet below, Congress was busy debating whether to throw Democrat Reps. Adam Schiff, Eric Swalwell and Ilhan Omar off committees because of their extensive histories of colluding with America’s enemies. Mr. Schiff spent the past six years peddling Russian propaganda, Mr. Swalwell reportedly slept with a Chinese Spy named “Fang Fang” and Ms. Omar — well, she just hates America.

Two of Ms. Omar’s allies in Congress — who also hate America — had psychotic breakdowns on the House floor defending Ms. Omar’s hatred of America. One of them actually burst into tears on the House floor this week because Ms. Omar had been kicked off the Foreign Relations Committee for hating America.

Republican Bad Girl Rep. Majorie Taylor Greene — who loves America and won re-election in Georgia with 66% of the vote — enraged the anti-American ballooniacs with a Tweet featuring the Chinese Communist Party balloon floating over America bearing a message that said: “Eric — Happy Valentine’s Day — Love Fang Fang.”

Okay, maybe that was slight disinformation. It should have said: “Biden Family — Happy Valentine’s Day — Love Communist China.”

The White House, meanwhile, is keeping Mr. Biden under tight security away from the threat of the Chinese Party balloon. As the Party balloon drifted across our fruited plains, Mr. Biden attended a closed Democrat fundraiser and then went to the beach.

When a press gaggle demanded answers about the Party balloon Friday, Mr. Biden scurried away from the podium. In the past, the White House has deployed the Easter Bunny to protect Mr. Biden from press questions. Perhaps it’s time to scramble the Easter Bunny once again.

• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.